Love Hotel
by autographontheradio
Summary: It is Jashin Law that you must find a friend of Non-Jashin every ten years. Hidan is running out of time, and he only hope is that of... Rock Lee, a genin from the Hidden Leaf Village. So where are Kakuzu and Gai? Hopefully not in some love hotel...


** -- Love Hotel --**

Rock Lee and Hidan, also KakuzuxGai. Set _in _the timeskip, before Lee was made a lovely chunnin... or knew... about Akatsuki... I'm not sure if he did know about it pre-timeskip, but today, as you read this, he does not. Enjoy.

* * *

Hidan would not be here if bolts of lightning were striking everywhere; being in the middle of a storm just proved that.

Yes, _it still hurts _when you can't actually die from a lightning strike (if your name is Hidan) the Jashinist had taken refuged under a tin shelter, hoping Kakuzu knew where he was.

IF Kakuzu was around.

They somehow had gotten separated on their search for Kakuzu's Jinchuuriki, Kakuzu pulling a vanishing act on him, and so... Hidan would of taken this opportunity to ditch his Akatsuki cloak and run off; forever.

Unfortunately for him, Leader would of kicked his ass to the moon six times.

Unfortunately for him, Kakuzu had vanished.

Unfortunately for him, he was not alone in this shelter.

Unfortunately for him, it was a leaf ninja.

Well, the red ninjaband was tied around his waist in a rather peculiar manner, yet Hidan pretended the weirdo was not wearing what looked like a green spandex scuba diver suit. Yes, thats right. A _green _spandex scuba diver suit. Minus the aqualung. And the snorkel. Flippers. Surfboard. Boat. Fish.

There wasn't a sea for at least 50 miles, why was this peculiar person dressed like this? Hidan had never seen anything like it before. It was strange, foreign.

Hidan realized he'd just been staring for the last two minutes at this green beast. This green-wearer from Konoha was blinking at him back.

'What the fuck are you staring at me for?' Hidan suddenly snapped.

Those strange eyes blinked at Hidan again, his expression unreadable. Then-

'Forgive me, stranger! I am sorry!' Tears appeared in this stranger's eyes, swimming- reminding Hidan vigorously of scuba diving suits again. He reached a bandaged hand to the Jashinist, in forgiveness. 'I wasn't meaning to be rude!'

'Better not, or I'll kill you,' Hidan glared in return, hoping this _creature _would leave him alone. Said creature was silent for some time, observing the wonderful world with its round eyes, then-

'I am Rock Lee!'

His pompous manner was so serious that Hidan fought back a smirk.

'Rock... Lee...' Hidan tested this word slowly, as if it was foreign. Rock, as in _The Rock _from Kisame's favourite television program, WWE? Lee... as in _Bruce Lee_? 'What kind of fucking name is that?'

Lee wasn't taken aback by this cruel man's personality. In fact, he was mesmerized. _He _had never seen such a man before. His eyes- oh so very _large _exorbitant eyes seemed to expand even more when he seemed to notice that Hidan was wearing a clock of red clouds- which he had never seen before, so he made up his mind that it was a uniform or something. The cloak also had one sleeve- (he had to buy his own cloak now, because he went through more than all the other Akatsuki put together, which Kakuzu was not happy about) and though it was raining, Hidan was covered in dried blood and grime. Lee's eyes wondered down around the open scars and the pendant on the man's chest, then to his ninja headband, worn around his neck.

Three lines almost set diagonally onto the metal plate, a strike going through all three.

'Your hurt!' Lee finally exclaimed, thunder and lightning drowning out his voice.

'Geez. Really,' said a sarcastic Hidan with a roll of his eyes. _Well, no shit, sherlock._

'I'm sorry, but I don't know any medical ninjutsu! Gai-Sensei knows some and when I find him again I will introduce him to you to him and he can heal you! I have some bandages right here...' Lee put a hand into his weapon pouch on the side of his waist and took out a few kunai, a notebook and finally a roll of new clothed bandages, not even out its wrapper yet. He unwrapped them and put the plastic wrapper back in his weapon pouch.

_Rule 23: Shinobi should always be fully prepared at all times. _It seems this green pansy with the pansy bowl haircut didn't memorize the **NINJA RULEBOOK **enough. Tut tut.

'What the fuck? Get off me!' Lee had made his way to Hidan and started to bind his hand; a partciluar deep cut had etched itself on his skin: Now _that _was Kakuzu's fault.

'These cuts look really bad.'

Hidan tried - and failed - to free himself from Lee's grip. Geez, he only just met this weirdo and he was onto him. NO. Hidan was not _used _to these sort of events happening to him.

'Who attacked you? Was it an enemy ninja?'

_More like, I attacked them, fucking heathens. _

_'_Your covered in blood!'

'...I am.'

_'Why _are you covered in blood!?'

'...I'm menstruating at the moment. I'm _fine, _what do you think?'

'No you aren't! You might die!' Lee's eyes were swimming as he brushed a bit of dried blood off Hidan which was not even his, 'Gai-sensei says one of the first signs of injuring yourself is not knowing-'

'When this storm passes, I am _fucking _leaving.'

'I don't think this storm will pass for a while,' said Lee seriously, applying a safety pin through a bandage on Hidan's upper arm. 'That should stop the infection. The wound looked rather nasty.'

'_Infection_?' Hidan demanded. 'You _clean _the wound, AND then, you put the bandages on afterwards!' Hidan knocked Lee's hand and the safety pin he was holding out the way, and sat down, in the rather cold dirt.

'Well, it is raining, here, let me-' Lee gasped Hidan's wrist to force him back up again; he was surprising strong. Then again, he was a leaf ninja. 'I will stand you out here in the rain-'

Hidan's temper seemed to assocaiate itself with a boiling kettle.

'_No.' _he said curtly, swinging his scythe quite near Lee's head. Lee dodged the scythe on reflex, as if it had not come near him; he didn't even think twice about Hidan's failure of attacking him, and shrugged it off. Hidan sat back on the ground again, ignoring Lee's curious wondering stares and took out his bible.

'What is your name, anyway, sir?'

WHAT did he just call him? _SIR!? _

'Shut up, I'm reading.'

'I consider it impolite, could you please tell me. I _did _bandage you up for the goodness of our youth, I would really appreciate to know.'

Hidan looked up from his religious reading. Lee was giving him an intense _and _annoying stare.

He sighed and snapped his bible shut.

'My name is _Hidan. _H-I-D-A-N. Now stop _fucking _staring, its really getting on my nerves.'

'Hidan! What village are you from?'

'One of them.' Was Hidan's curt reply.

'I'm from the leaf village!' Lee tapped his red waistband. 'Its great!' he said, enthusiastically.

'...Ok...'

'And we have the most powerful ninja in the world-'

If Leader could hear this right now, he would have all six eyebrows raised and snickering.

'Including my sensei, Gai-'

Hidan opened his bible with such force that the dingy faded red leathered book cover came off. It had been read so much anyway, it was falling to pieces.

'He specializes in taijutsu-'

Some pages were covered in so much dirt and blood, that Hidan could not even read the print. But, that did not matter; he knew the words off by heart anyway.

'He is the best sensei in the world-'

Hidan opened to a random page, as he lost his bookmark some times ago.

_THE LAW OF JASHIN, _was the subheading. Chapter 7, page 29.

To Hidan, odd numbered pages were like cracks in pavement to him.

He read through, ignoring Lee's ramblings about him and his sensei being split up in the midst of (this) a hearty terrible storm. _14. Sacrificing animals, that is for hunting for food, in return you will have to set fire to yourself for thirty minutes AFTER the meat is eaten, therefore whatever animal if killed, also must be consumed. 15. Do not lose Jashin pendant. 16. Do not try or manage to kill anyone from the Jashin religion... _

_(Zzzzzz... zzz... zzz) _

Then, at the very bottom of page 29, a note that Hidan had usually misjudged as a footer. His eyes widened and he began to scream-

_Every ten years, a Jashinist must become a friend of with someone not including in the Jashin Religion... _

* * *

Kakuzu flickered one green eye open, to see the man whom he got drunk with - in bed- next to him- reading a book on Scuba Diving by the flickering candlelight. Judging by the scented rose petals that managed to find their way up Kakuzu's fluffy pillow, it was obvious both men had done something oh-so-very wrong after a "few rounds of sake".

And by the look of the room they were in, it was going to cost a lot to stay in.

'I think someone just screamed in the distance,' said Gai, not taking his eyes off his very interesting book. Kakuzu only agreed, prompting himself back to sleep.

* * *

It had been nine and a half years since Hidan had made a non-Jashin friend. Jashin didn't count. Kakuzu- the bastard- didn't count, because Kakuzu was an asshole who needed something shoved up his ass that wasn't made out of money- and that friend is not including that _retard _Tobi who hanged around with Zetsu in his spare time, or fellow Jashinists- no, that won't work...

Those of Jashin _knew _what would happen if they did not go by the laws of this twisted cult-

_Death. _

_'_Oh no! Did I put the bandages on too tight?' Lee gasped, thinking Hidan's horrifying scream was from the pain of his wounds.

Hidan was not well. Hidan was having a major panic attack-

Must. Not. Have. Temper. Tantrum- Hidan clutched his punctured heart and fainted upon the ground.

* * *

_Ja...hhh...ke...lee..._

He heard voices from a far distance, well, one voice. His head throbbed- just like the time his skull had been split in half. Twice. By Kakuzu.

_Hi...dan... _

_Hidan-san... _

Hi...dan...Hi...

'WHAT?' Hidan opened his eyes and bellowed. He blinked. Twice. He felt something wet on his forehead. A cold cloth. That Lee kid was still around. But where the fuck were they? 'Ok. Where the _fuck _are we?'

Lee took the cloth from Hidan and placed it in a bowl full of water and squeezed it. 'You wouldn't wake up! I had to do something! so I carried you to a motel nearby! I spent the money Gai-sensei gave me to get some food on our hearty training, but I spent it on getting us a room instead!'

'You... WHAT...'

'But this room looks like it is set up for Valentine's day... But it isn't February... When I asked the woman at the front desk for this room, she asked me if I was a necrophiliac!' Lee sighed, and looked around the room.

Hidan did the same, getting up and stretching. The bed he was in (queen sized) was red with rose petals sprinkled on the cover, which was a pale blue. The room was spacious, painted _pink _with red flowers on the corners of the walls. Reaching out, he tapped the wall. Twice.

The walls were _very _thick. Even thicker than the average hotel. Then, it all clicked.

'YOU ASSHOLE! YOU PUT US IN A LOVE HOTEL!' Hidan panicked, jumping off the bed as if it had something diseased on it. (...Or in it)

'A what?'

'Haven't. YOU. Ever. Been. Outside. The Fire country!?'

'Yep.'

'This is where non-shinobi go and do their thing!'

'Their what?'

'Conceive!'

'...You mean have kids? What does this do?' Lee looked left to see a row of purple buttons. Curiously, and ever so curiously, Lee pressed his finger onto one of the buttons. The lights all around suddenly dimmed. '...Ooh...'

'Turn them back on. _Now_.'

The lights turned back on. 'What about this one?' Lee pressed the second button. A small whirring noise filled the room, _and the bed started to rotate.  
_

'What the... hell...' Hidan had never seen this phenomenon before, in all his years of travel. If Jashin-Sama saw this _right now, _Hidan would be killed on the spot, as Jashin-love-hotels did not having rotating beds, they would infact have knives and beds soaked in blood, afterwards accompanied by a steamy, strawberry scented shower. 'Where did you put my scythe?'

'The lady at the front desk wouldn't let me bring it here. It's downstairs, and your cloak is on that chair over there, so is that book you were reading.' Hidan moved over to where his belongings lay, realizing he only had his akatsuki trousers on. His shoes were by the white door, with Lee's shoes also and training weights. But the cloak was too far damaged to try and put on again, till he got his hands on some threads and a needle, as Kakuzu's method of sewing clothes started to smell funny after a couple of weeks. Lee turned off the rotating bed, which started to buck.

'That... is... disturbing.'

'Fun to jump on.' said Lee seriously.

'Tch.'

'What about this button, then?'

'Don't even dare.'

'That sounds like a threat.'

'I've been FUCKING _threatening _you since we met!' Hidan paled when the flashback of making a non-Jashin friend came back to his mind.

'...You have...'

'What, you only just found out?'

'I guess.'

'For the love of Jashin-sama, you only just found out that I could kill you if I wanted to?'

'Many people have tried that before,' Lee brushed it off. 'I've even had my leg and arm crushed.'

'Ouch. I've had my skull split in two.'

'That sounds nasty! Who did it?'

'Some asshole from the Waterfall village.'

'Did it hurt?'

'Of course it FUCKING hurt! You are really getting on my nerves, you little shit. I'm leaving.'

He kicked the door open, leaving a sad looking Lee behind. 'Oh, and where's the front desk?' He didn't stop for an answer. He went down the stairs, totally ignoring a large thump from a room he past. And _he thought _the walls were quite thick...

About 3 flights down, he noticed that this kid _was _still following his footsteps, unable (or out of sheer kindness) not to let the immortal out of his sight, in case he dropped dead or sprouted ogre ears. Hidan cast this acquaintance a sideways glance, seeing Lee's round eyes and determined face set on a goal ahead.

'Why, are you following me, damnit?' Hidan turned and rounded on Lee, giving the impression that Hidan was the father disciplining his young son because he wanted food, 'I have ninja and animals to sacrfice and kill, and in the meantime, find my_ fucking_ partner! I bet my ass he's sorting out finances...'

'So you and your partner are shinobi bankers?'

'He is. I'm not.' The two of them reached the lobby. A receptionist was busy writing forms out, failing to notice Hidan and Lee till they were directly in front of her. 'My stuff is here.'

The woman looked up and beamed them a dazzling smile, showing sharp teeth. 'Did you two have a good time? Are you checking out now?'

'Oh. It went _absolutely great,' _said a sarcastic Hidan, taking the clipboard from her and signed himself out with an unidentifiable scribble. 'How long were we there for?'

'Five hours.'

'_Five _hours!? Lee, why didn't you say?'

Lee was busy writing his own signature. He shrugged and handed the clipboard back to the receptionist.

'My friend, you didn't ask!'

Hidan spluttered.

'_What _did you just call me?'

'Friend!' Lee gave a thumbs up and flashing smile.

_Great. _

Hidan groaned.

_At least Jashin-sama won't punish you, _came the snide voice in his head.

'Fine,' said Hidan, shock wearing off. 'You can be my friend.'

Lee hugged him around the middle. Hidan restrained himself from pulling away from this spandex-wearing weirdo. He finally let go, and was humming to himself while he waited for his new friend Hidan to retrieve his scythe. But what Hidan didn't know- one of Lee's so very obsessive goals in lif was to make a friend from _every _shinobi village. Yep, you heard correctly. _Every._

He would die a sad man if he did not fulfill this goal. And everyone knows (except, maybe... Hidan) that Lee did anything to achieve goals, even if it resulted in... death...

* * *

Pein, being the all-high-and-mighty-i'm-stronger-than-all-of-you Akatsuki leader, summoned Kisame to Amegakure, where they and Pein's lovely partner, Konan, sat at the main Amegakure Akatsuki base, also known as the "Akatsuki's Pad."

'Mission, Kisame. I want you to see what Hidan and Kakuzu are up to. They have escaped my sight _yet _again. Do you understand?'

'Yes, Leader. Where would they be? Which country I mean?' Kisame questioned.

'The Fire country. I want you to report back here within, one day. That is all. You may leave.'

* * *

If Kakuzu was here right now, he would fangirl-squee in glee. Lee, well... was totally _loaded. _Because of Kakuzu's obsession with money that associated itself with Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, most days the pair went hungry, or Kakuzu ate without Hidan knowing, just to watch the immortal slowly try and die dramatically of hunger. The two friends stopped at an inn "on their adventure around the fire country", not bumping into any shinobi, which Hidan was on the search for Kakuzu, Lee on search for his sensei, Gai.

What Hidan didn't bother telling his new friend was that he was a S-class criminal who had to be immediately caught, castrated and decapitated on sight. Hidan had been caught, many times, usually by relatives of ninja whom he'd sacrificed to Jashin, in the end, they pissed him off so much, he had also killed them as well.

Hidan had been decapitated many times, and yes, it still hurt. But Hidan hadn't been castrated yet. He had a feeling that it would hurt more than getting his head chopped off.

A child, working at the inn, gave the two their food, chiming, 'Have a nice day!' and scattered off. Lee at once tucked in, as he hadn't had a decent meal for days. Hidan, however, poked at his apple pie as if it was dangerous.

'What is it? It looks foreign.'

'Apple pie! Its really tasty! And rare, too!'

'It looks... ugh. Where's my chopsticks?'

'In some non-shinobi lands, they don't use chopsticks. They use these metal sticks called knives and forks.'

'...never heard of them.' Hidan picked his whole pie up warily. It was steaming slightly, and he licked the side, testing it. It didn't taste like anything.

'You cut it in half first, there's apple inside.' Hidan reached for his scythe and sliced the pie without managing to spill its contents everywhere, and carefully took a bite.

'POISON! ITS FUCKING BURNING ME, GOD DAMNIT!'

* * *

'I have found the whereabouts of Hidan.'

'Great. What about Kakuzu?' asked Pein, tapping his fingers in annoyance.

Kisame shrugged. 'Good Point. It seems they have seperated BUT I have intresting infomation.'

'Spill.' said Konan, looking at her fingernails.

'He is with a Konoha Genin, a student of _my eternal _rival, Maito Gai.'

Pein snorted. 'What?'

'Hidan has made... a friend.'

* * *

The other people in the inn were staring at Hidan and Lee. Hidan was red in the face, "nearly dying" and Lee was thumping him on the back, maybe a little too hard for comfort, because they had broken the table, and got kicked out.

Lee was in tears.

But never the less, he got over it quickly and paid for the repair bill. Lovely.

'Get over it, stop whinging,' Hidan kicked him in the shins but got his weights instead. 'Say, have you ever heard of Jashin before?'

Lee looked up, looking like a cloud had rained on him.

'N-n-no. What is it?'

'It is, the best thing in the world. It is, they way, I live,' Hidan took out his bible.

'I'm not very relgious-'

'Sit. _Down._ I'm going to tell you about Jashin-sama now.'

'Is it like Jehovah's witnesses?' They come around Konoha sometimes.'

'Who the fuck are they? a rival religion?' Hidan opened his bible. 'Jashin is, on the account...'

Lee was already asleep.

_I guess the kid ain't religious, _but Hidan didn't feel angry.

Lee was his friend, after all.

* * *

**-- A week later--**

Via Kisame, Hidan and Lee managed to track down Gai and Kakuzu without destroying the world. One of Pein's bodies had approached them, congratulated Hidan by giving him a friendship card with everyone's congratulations on it, and a Akatsuki shaped balloon, and asked Lee is he knew anything about something called a "Jinchuuriki" which Lee was only to happy to give infomation on, which he had gotten off an apprentices of the Hidden Leaf Hokage before hand.

A blushing Lee had giving Hidan a present, a keychain of his Jashin pendant. Hidan gave him in return a gemstone from the village hidden in the maze. The next day, word spread that the daimyo of the maze country had died, a result of being stabbed to death.

Thanks to Kisame's directions, both shinobi found their accquaintences in the very hotel- and the very room- Lee and Hidan were in themselves a week before, which Kakuzu and Gai had been in the middle of love-making by candlelight. Hidan noted that this was even more disturbing than Deidara's porn videos, preceding to vomit, trip over and press a button by the bed, making the bed briefly rotate. Lee was writing down everything Gai was saying, and had been saying before Hidan broke down the door and made their unwanted presence known.

Once they departed, Lee and Gai with tears in their eyes, promising to write every so often, leaving for Konoha, where the Hokage would yell at them.

Kakuzu and Hidan found themselves back as S-class missing nins.

'You know, the kid wasn't so bed after all,' Hidan had said, watching the sun set. 'Now Jashina-sama isn't going to kick my ass for it.'

Kakuzu didn't reply.

'Deaf too much, asshole? The grean beast of Konoha didn't spank you too hard, did he?'

'No,' said Kakuzu, opening his wallet. 'The bastard took all my fucking money.'

**-- END -- **

* * *


End file.
